38, Single, and the Joy of Online Dating

Why I have to be ok with Being Single

Let’s face it… dating sucks! If you haven’t had the “luxury” of dating in the last 10 years, consider yourself lucky. If you are in your 30s and still looking for Prince Charming to show up on a white horse like Julia Roberts’ fantasy in Pretty Woman… then you can relate with me. (and yes, I would settle for a modern day Richard Gere in a white limo with some flowers rescuing me…. heck I’d settle for a homeless dude on a white bicycle with a picked dandelion at this rate!…I joke… it would at least have to be a moped). Being single in 2018 blows… that’s the nicest way of saying it. My mom always taught me, “if you can’t say something nice… don’t say anything at all.” Well I don’t exactly have anything nice to say about dating, but I can look at it with a sense of humor… so I’m going to take that route.

I never thought I would be single, let alone single at 38 (ALMOST 39). Wow, just writing that number out reminds me how close I am to 40 (449 days to be exact).  I’ve never been one for really dating, or what I would consider a true date. I mean the two major relationships I had were pretty much instantaneous. First one, opened the door in a Doors shirt and had me at “hello.” The second one was a Facebook stalking that ended in a cocktail date and a roller coaster ride of a relationship for 3 years. And then there were minor “relationships” that really were more just time killers and lessons learned, but I didn’t feel like there was this much effort and turn around. But this modern day “dating” aka meet and greet… is for the birds! 

If you’re one of those lucky ducks that married their high school sweetheart before the dawn of apps such as Tinder, Bumble, Christian Mingle, Farmers Only, Match, E-Harmony, Plenty of Fish… the list goes on and on, let me give you a little insight to the stellar life of a single female living in 2018!!! This will either be royally entertaining and you will get a chuckle out of my scenario or you will have utmost pity on me and start sending me all of your long lost single relatives numbers for dates! 

So here’s how these dating sites go… First, you have wine. It always starts with wine, or alcohol of some kind.. because no person in their sober right mind would want to venture onto a dating site. Nope, it’s the lonely, drunk version of you that thinks it’s a good idea. So you create a profile, try to find the best photos of yourself out of the 500 selfies you have on your phone and then maybe one or two of you posed with friends, so you look like you have at least an ounce of a social life and don’t spend all your time taking photos of yourself. Then you make sure you have a “full body image” because every man will ask for one at some point. And yes I get it, there are probably several 300lb ladies out there looking for love with a little extra junk in their trunk that can take a selfie that makes them look like they are an anorexic barbie, I get it. (Everyone needs and deserves love btw you assholes!)

So first things first, you have to swipe right on people you like… ok let’s be real, it’s like eye candy shopping and you can be the most shallow person ever and just swipe on the hunks you see without reading their bio… I mean really you only read that once you’ve actually matched with them. Then you find out their an atheist, married, or married and “looking for an adventurous soul to complete their triangle.”  Either way, first swipe is ALWAYS based on looks. 

Second, you will match. Whoooo Hoooo you will instantly feel like you saved the princess in Mario Brothers or reached a new level in some video game where there really is absolutely no prize, but you’ve won… nothing… Then you read the profile and look at their other pictures. If they meet any of the aforementioned qualities, it’s an instant “unmatch” if they make it into round 2… you sit and wait for them to message you. Which 99% of the time they will not, so don't hold your breath. We all know that dating apps are men’s new bathroom time killer, and that you were a lucky right swipe while they were doing their business. And then when they leave their porcelain office, they completely forget about you. So your hopes and dreams of finding your soul mate basically get flushed down the toilet along with their turds… yep that’s the hard truth. 

So third… those lucky ducks that have moved past the un-match stage and even the bathroom flush, have now made it to stage… I want to get to know you. Now sometimes you’ve made the first move, which is bold and awesome but men will be weirded out and intimidated by that and completely hold that against you. They say they won’t, but every man feels a little less manly when the woman takes the reigns. So now we basically have narrowed it down to a minuscule % of men that actually make the first move and say “hello.” Whoa what a brilliant way to strike up a conversation!!!!!  And this is when dating gets the most complicated!!!

If a man asks you to come over and cuddle… un-match him immediately. He obviously is just looking for sex, but won’t straight up ask for it and then is ruining true honest good cuddling by giving it a bad name.  If a man starts brining up exes within the first few conversations, un-match him because he obviously isn’t over his ex and is either looking for a rebound or revenge, neither of which you want to be a part of. If the conversation starts out innocent enough and then leads to him talking about strap ons and enjoying sex with other men and pretty much makes you question if this dude is for real or if he is just trying to see how far he can go and still get you to converse with him (even if it is an 8 hour car ride and you learn more about someone you have never met or would ever want to know about another human being)…do not do it!! Un-match, un-match, un-match!!!!!!

Most of the above offer huge red flags! Ones that are fairly easy to leave behind and move on. Even though something inside of you (ok maybe it’s just me) really wants to meet them in person to see if they are legitimately that messed up! But never, never, never get to that step!!  They are easy to spot, easy to entertain for a minute and then easy to let go and move on. 

Once in a while, you get a little buggar that makes it through the initial screening, He’s charming and can actually can hold a conversation and doesn’t send dick pics or say “send me a pic” (We all know what kind of pic you’re asking for guys. We may be looking for our soul mate by swiping right, but we aren’t THAT dumb!) . In my case, this man is 6’ tall, dark hair, dark eyes, tattooed, musician, mid 30s, no kids, an Aussie accent, former athlete, Christian, great communicator, from a loving family, with perfect teeth and a dog living within 15 miles of me (yes, he’s marked off all my checklist!!) …only to schedule a date and then somehow someway “something” comes up. Or better yet, the ever so popular Ghosting. Which wasn’t even really a word until these apps emerged. (I’m pretty sure all my dates have gotten food poisoning and died on their way to the date… RIP). Or, the even more painful… they’ve gone back to their ex. Ex girlfriend, Ex wife, Ex lover….who cares, they chose someone and that someone wasn’t me. But here’s the kicker. They are never man enough to say it. Instead they just unmatch you or don’t respond to your text messages and vanish into the Bumble Abyss. (This is a real place I’m sure!). 

But I haven’t even gotten to the most dangerous, the most deadly, the most terrifying possible dates yet. These dates are the ones that initiate conversation and you have an actual “real” connection with.  Not some made-up BS fairytale crap you are seeing through rose colored glasses. The REAL DEAL. (or so you think!). This is when you get to hop on the roller coaster and get ALL the feels; make sure you have the harness completely secure, and then hang on as long as you can… because at some point you are going to feel the high and the rush of possibly getting off the dating ride together, but more than likely you’re going to end up with an upset stomach, some turbulence, and exiting as fast as you can with a greater confusion, blurred vision, and unbalanced stumbling than when you got on.  You will feel like you never ever want to ride the ride again, and you will go back repeatedly expecting a different outcome. It won’t happen!

So you ask yourself…. why continue this torture? I know! I know! When I signed up for this single life thing, I didn’t think it would feel like I’m standing on the side of the road naked trying to hitchhike from telluride to buffalo (super random city choice by the way!) and trying not to get picked up by a serial killer or a man who will later on in life drive you bonkers and never go away! I honestly think we are made for connection and made to experience life together, not just for one night, and not just for one memory. Those things happen, and can be good times, but the beating will continue until moral improves… and so far, my moral is challenged! 

All I want is that list I said above… is that so hard to find?!?! Yes, Yes it is. And I am darn tootin happy to be single and alone, most of the time, until I find someone who at least checks off one of those qualities. But if it takes me until 90 to find my soul mate, I will keep on looking. Just don’t expect me to stop and wait for him, but I’ll pick him up along the way!