Therapy is in Session

So last week I started therapy. Not physical therapy, not speech therapy, not massage therapy, not aroma therapy, but that dive deep into your darkest secrets tear jerking bring the kleenex therapy. The kind you need that little noise machine outside of the door so no one in the hallway can hear you reveal your deepest fears and childhood traumas that even you don’t really want to reveal to yourself. This is not the first time I’ve been to therapy, but the first time as an adult and the first time I’m ready to really get in the deep end and learn how to swim.

I am definitely one to promote Mental Health and therapy. I think we all need to talk more openly about it and make it ok to not be ok. Because it IS ok to not be ok. And it is ok to seek help and not feel like you are weak. I often have moments of panic and seek information for therapists, therapy, life hacks, and the occasional “hey what happy vitamin is everyone taking these days.” And then when that information is offered, either that panic moment has passed, I’m overwhelmed by responses, I completely forget about it (don’t know if this is my aging brain or what but seriously this happens more frequently these days!!), I freak out at the cost of a therapist, or I drown my sorrows in a glass (bottle) of Malbec and console myself with a one row, then two, then the whole damn bag of Oreos and Almond milk.( Because I’m at least trying to maintain some of my healthy standards).

Over the past year alone, not counting my lifetime which would require a much longer list, I have roller coastered up and down with weightloss, weightloss journey, fatloss, weight training, personal trainers, multiple nutritionists, multiple gyms, self help books, diets, meal prep companies, home delivery food services … you name it, I’ve probably researched it and spent money on it. And I have to say, I am EXHAUSTED. I am exhausted thinking about health and fitness and what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, when to exercise, how much water to drink, etc. When all I want to achieve is how NOT to think about food all the time, all I do is think about food. Some days I wish I had a cocaine problem, because at least I don’t need cocaine, I need food…just not in the terms in which I am currently using food. Still with all of these thoughts on my mind (and in every dang advertisement on Facebook and Instagram), I have not made any headway into what I feel is an endless battle and abyss of constant disappointment and constantly letting an amazing squad of cheerleaders down. I have seeked help, been offered help, and failed them miserably. But more importantly I feel like I’m failing myself.

Why can’t I just not eat a shit ton of crappy food, why can’t I just have one glass of wine and call it quits? Why can’t I get on a schedule and workout at the same time each day and be back into a community I love and that makes me feel alive and well. The answer is…. I have no F’n idea! Why can I not just hold myself accountable? Why do I look to food for comfort instead of going for a run or… I don’t know ANYTHING other than eating. I DON’T KNOW!

I thought I had suffocated that unhealthy version of myself for a short time in my life when was 29-34… ah my glory days! And I loved that version of me. That Bionic Woman, that Wonder Woman, That Badass…. believe me when I say I still have her inside me, but she’s having a hard time coming out right now because she is being muffled by negative self talk, a brain that has been wired to feel like a failure when any part of life that I think should be controlled falls short of “ideal.” Believe me, that version of me was no where near perfect either, but I supplemented food with a treadmill and dates with the wrong men, so not exactly a healthy replacement either, but from the outside, it looked better!

I am a cheerleader for those who want to live a healthier life, those who overcome and face challenges head on and take life by the horns! I am a quote addict. Probably because I need to constantly hear affirmations of happiness and positivity, but let’s be honest. Life fucking sucks sometimes, and it’s OK to not feel like a damn ray of sunshine shining out of a glittery unicorns butt all the time. (Though I would totally like to see this some day!) But I have learned, even in two sessions, that it is OK to feel true feelings, accept those feelings and respect them and let them have their moment, address them, and then continue on and let a new feeling come in. Without the help of food… which I WILL learn.

I’m not sure where my body learned that food was a comfort tool. If I knew that exact moment and one of these darn smart people would put their energy into time travel instead of Facebook Advertising and figure out a time machine (that was affordable for us common folk to use of course) I would go directly to that moment and slap young Annette across the face (with love of course!) and say lets go for a run instead but that time machine still has yet to be made so I’m going to have to dig into my soul a little more and trust that the ladies helping me rewire my brain know what they are doing. And I, along with my big box of Wonder Woman tissues will sit on a couch and bare my soul and follow their techniques until I figure it out!

I am thankful to all the people who have encouraged me and lead me and allowed me to voice my fears, triumphs, failures, insecurities, given me plans to follow and workouts to do and encourage me to go beast mode. If you ever feel like I’m not grateful, please know that I truly am. And that I need to work on the deeper part of me that is allowing food to be such a factor in my life and I really feel like I cannot be the best version of myself in and outside of the gym without doing this work. That doesn’t mean I am quitting, that means I am putting even more work than before, just in a different way.

I will hit the gym because it makes me feel better not just because I am trying to burn off food that I have eaten, I will not calorie count or deny myself a food I enjoy only to binge on it later, I will not measure my food or focus so intently on what I am consuming and what I am denying myself and I will focus on what I am nourishing myself with and how my mind body and soul is benefiting from my choices.

Keep your head up and continue to look for rays of sunshine coming out of a glittery unicorn’s butt

Annette